Means to an end

I grew into an informed environment; that and every other circumstance surrounding my childhood/adulthood transition made me into who I am today.

I am a fiesty female! Yes I said it finally and a number of friends (male) have said it. I’m passionate about things I care about – I could be passive too but at the times when I’m passive, the resultant emotion becomes that of resignation.

Recently I’ve decided to give up on a lot of things. I can’t really say I love this anymore about myself or anything else. The world is spinning circles round my horizon and I lack answers when I formerly had them.

Who am I?
Why am I here?
Am I meant to be in this position now and what is the purpose for being here?

I don’t know who I am, clearly over the past few months I’ve lost track of the person I used to be. I’ve turned myself into a soggy insufficient shadow of my former self. I exist only in the specious reality. No form, No abstract guide nothing. Everything surrounding me just appears bleh bleh bleh… Lol (I got that from hotel transylvania)

There’s a bit of a Job experience thingy going on with me now where everything is going wrong all at once. It seems from one issue stems another; then so many worries, deadlines and I’m left wondering who is going to survive this. How I get by from day to day – I don’t know. All I’m aware of is that I breathe. Yes, I breathe.
Since this year started, I learnt an important lesson. The value of sealed lips – no one really understands you, they can try but as peculiar as each issue seems; no one can wear your shoe the same way you’ve worn it. I mean there’s the DNA sampling technique. No two matches are compatible.

I gave it all up today, everything. The zeal for the work I do, the interests in the things I usually would be interested in and caring whether someone particularly close to me might drop dead tomorrow. I just stopped caring about these stuff, let’s face it – what can I do to reverse this? I can pray, yes I can and God can have mercy, yes He can but what I’ve realised is – time changes yesterday. A second goes and everything you’ve ever believed in changes. You lose someone and you are at the brink wondering if you’ll lose another person. A SECOND!

A second determines everything, death, life, love, hatred, indifference, a sack letter, and everything else. The universe shifts and you are left stranded. I don’t know anymore.

What I do know is I’m no longer scared of fear itself. I’ve decided to just own a moment. Live just the way I’ll love to live. Right now, death is the end of me. Tomorrow, today, eternity.

Pulchae

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