Is this a letter? 
No not one
Maybe it could be called a note
Cardow says he likes my style of writing
It bares my mind in all honesty
I pen as it flows as I feel
Lovely but difficult he says
Is my Cardow right?
We do not have a weird relationship anymore
We’ve made peace
But then there are yet many others
So many of them
My head is losing grip
One stands out,
Proximity has to be a sin
I bear the grudge of self restraint
I’m calm but I’m screaming
Lol. He doesn’t know maybe he does but I do not ask for what he can’t give
In my mind, he’s somewhere no one touches anymore not even him
I locked him away in a castle and the dragon is his guide
No Shrek this time, no ogre
He is no Fiona
What am I to do
You see, I made all these promises that I’m determined to keep
But his smile, God, his smile
He knows, he taunts me. I’m a complete idiot in my mind but a composed illustrator in poise
I have to keep grace for the portrait
What does it even mean?
What is there to conquer?
He has many
I’ve been praying not to feel this mixed emotions
I feel ashamed that I betray myself
I can’t seek his validation; it’ll never come
“Never say never whatever you do”
What cartoon was that anyway – what do mice know about never tales?
I’m writing so long this night
Maybe this night will eventually purge me
I have 100 days to bear it
I don’t allow myself touch, some things are forbidden
Maybe a handshake – no, yes?
Never again
What’s with me and this word?
I have 100 days to leave, to move, to create a shift for my emotions, get used to his absence and embrace it because it’s the best for me
100 days to summon courage, to hand in a letter that might leave me blue
I’m stifled in that place
I need my peace but it’s not there
I’ve come to know love there and friendship and feel things that were so wrong for one to feel
A discernment of character
My Cardow, a friend
My Geek, my fellow
Most of all my Rastafarian love
If God wills it, if He wills it



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