Hmmmm… My most difficult break up. Lol. Would it be a surprise to say that I’ve never been in a relationship before, because I do not count all those almost or one month relationships as part and parcel of it. I’ve had flings, a lot of them I think but I guess since relationships are meant to mean something more, I will say that I disregard those I have ever been in… but that’s not to say that I haven’t experienced break ups, in fact a lot too because I am an emotional being and when I like someone, I infuse my soul and the whole of my being in it.
You see I am very afraid of the idea of being involved with someone. It’s a scary thought but I do like people and so, I don’t know how to act – if a guy doesn’t talk about his feelings for me outright, my opinion is one. He doesn’t like me; and I can do things like make sure I withdraw from him, or allow a situation that I can’t deal with to occur and then I shift from him or try to match make him with someone else. Lol, that means I have slowly rid myself of my feelings for him.
I met Y in school, it was meant to be just friendship. I liked him a lot, I used to call him up without asking for him to call back because I knew then he had a girlfriend – so, he was meant to be a safe haven of some sort. One thing led to another, he would call back, we would talk and because it was almost time for the long vacation, it was fine. Till I found out that he was an intern in a place not so far from my place of internship. Lol. Some times, I would call him up for lunch. I didn’t want to have to owe him anything so I would pay and sometimes even get lunch for him. It was on one such lunch break that he said something, I was going to walk out and never say a word to him again, and all he had to say was ‘Tinu, please don’t go’ – I sat back down and I knew I was in trouble. My 19 year old self knew that. We grew closer, we would meet off work on weekends, or skip work to meet, he would treat me, calls that ended with songs that we sang. It was silly but I was young and in love.
We got back to school, he had just one semester left because he ran his courses earlier, we were both in final year. People thought we were dating and already I was being referred to as his girlfriend. I don’t think I minded much but I knew it was wrong. If my folks came, I took stuffs to him and vice versa. It was so deep – at some point he even gave me his customised jersey, that to me was so intimate. So much more things went on…
We were having a conversation one night, and he asked me to be his girlfriend and I told him No. That he had one already and it didn’t make sense, days later following that, we had a big row – I deleted his contact off my phone book. We patched things up, I went to see him and he looked through my phone and didn’t see the name I used to call him. Checked my call log and saw just his number. I think that did it. It went from bad to worse.
He traveled out the next semester and wouldn’t even talk to me – I became depressed, didn’t eat or sleep and when I did I wouldn’t want the sun to come up. I skipped classes, didn’t touch my project and just would lie on my bed crying. I became a literal shadow of myself. I eventually started going to class but I would break down in class. One of my lecturers and a whole lot of my course mates noticed, asked what was wrong and I said nothing. It got so bad that I stood up one day and almost collapsed on the floor, by then my friends had had enough. They were ready to force food down my throat. Lol.
I managed to graduate with a good degree, got home, got better, went back to school for graduating class week, saw him again and got worse – I would wake up so early to go wait for him outside his hall. I became desperate, I worshipped him I think. I begged, cried. We left school for home, then I started attempting suicide – I didn’t eat, collapsed one day and was taken to the hospital; then we had a group meet with some friends of his and mine at the pool, and I jumped in not knowing how to swim. How I got out – lol, I don’t know. Jumped in front of two buses at different instances and the bus drivers would swerve. I lost complete control of my senses.
So many other things happened that can’t be said. I had rebounds; it was hell but I survived. I finally came to 2 years later, lol. That’s a lie, I’m still hurting from it, writing this is making me teary, it touches a place I haven’t visited in years.
What lesson did I learn? To be careful, I think I’m still too careful, I end any relationship that my heart yearns for because I can’t hurt that much again. I keep my heart hidden these days but this year has been enlightening. I’m letting go a little, I haven’t gotten there yet but I’m trying.
Stay in God, peace, love, bisou, bisou