So I’ve been praying for healing for quite a while now. I used to have asthma as a child and the funny thing is the type of excitement that triggered mine was anger. Yep! Anytime I was angry, I always had violent attacks. My mum always had to beg my elder sister who had the habit of making me angry; because she knew I got easily angered to stop doing anything to trigger it. Did she listen, no she kept on and I kept getting attacks.
I would say she was naive then, the funny thing though was I went to a boarding house and all through all my parents did was hand me over to God with their “small” Christian knowledge then.
Present day, I’m allergic to dust and have serious panic attacks, but still lose my breath whenever I’m upset. Here’s the thing, till recently I allowed it – all the dust induced sniffing and atchooo and now I’ve had ENOUGH! I permitted it for so long it’s became part of me (a bondage that tied me down).
Today, amidst sneezing and blowing, I took a brush and started scrubbing off all dusty areas. Something I couldn’t do before and I realised the more I did, the more my nostrils cleared. It was at the point I thought of every other thing that held me in bondage like unforgiveness, lack of trust etc.
As a child, I endured watching my parents brawl and mum cower and take it out on us; as I grew older I realised that I loved being free, even the thought of marriage was a No-go; it meant only one thing and I couldn’t understand why two people would tie themselves down to each other for life. For most people who know me I don’t go to weddings and chase people away. The only friends I have left are the ones who decided against all odds to be there. Everything had to be on my terms.
Heck, I even got into arguments deliberately to make people stay away from me. I never knew how to deal with confrontations but got into confrontations with people just so we wouldn’t get so close then they leave. My motto became ‘people always leave’. I was dead because I wasn’t living. I was sarcastic, vindictive, and wasn’t allowing love in (I didn’t see the need to allow someone else in to my life, I mean what would we talk about?) But I had flings, all on my terms and the two times I engaged in sexual activities, I did it because I convinced myself I wanted it and afterwards poured all the hate on myself while pushing the other party aside. To cut the past short.
The turn around was this year and it’s been a battle to constantly renew my mind and get transformed (Romans 12.2). I’m ready now, I’m forgiving more, trying to give compliments and subduing my albeit caustic tongue, trying to watch my steps and although I’m not there yet; I’ve almost reached my hallmark, it’s hardwork. I still don’t know what people in relationships talk about but I’m willing to learn, allow love. Might even get married next year when the one comes.
For everyone I’ve pushed away, I’m sorry. I can only hope for a fresh start. The story has just begun.