Zones of life

So after being put in different zones all my life(really? Ed), I have come to this realisation – zoning is not of God and it is just a ploy of the devil for you to commit more atrocities than ever (after all the idle mind is the devil’s workshop) and all that it does to you is to leave you lonely and wondering about the best way to physically, emotionally and sexually satisfy yourself especially after having dreams that you were given the best head ever (or insert your personal favourite sex act here) life had to offer ‘sigh’.

Here I stand, a zoned child for most of my young life, metamorphosing into a zoned adult; and then a zoned catch(read housewife). I’ve been in all the zones there are which started from my initiation into Nigerian twitter – which is filled with haters, on-screen observers, ghen-ghen booties, hawties, people who can’t go a day without twitfighting, tweet jumpers, innocent bystanders, lawlers to mention a few… it’s a sad sad twitterverse I tell you; filled with all the crays of life…

Back to my post and no you don’t have to see what I did there. I am not doing anything there like most people would just to gain comments and blog hits *rme*(I wonder why you females waste time rolling your eyes when there are far more roll-able protuberances. Ed)

As I was saying about the zones, the common ones I’ve been faced with include and are not limited to the following:

    TheI-am-not-emotionally-attracted-to-you zone: this involves painfully pouring out your heart to your admirer(see that’s the problem – you call him your admirer when you’re the one doing the admiring. Ed) and all you get in return is ‘oh’ and when you ask for his own version of events (now I think I did something there), he goes ‘I’m not really much of a talker’ – it can pain. Chai! So apparently you spent a whole hour and half bearing your extroverted, talkative heart to his own introverted and shy heart (like, wth) and as if it’s not enough he goes ‘can we talk later?’ as if enough tears haven’t welled up in your eyes. Just out of a bruised ego and maintaining the last shred of decency you have left you reply by telling him it’s okay and go ahead to drop the call and cry your heart out. The day you summon up the courage to ask if you are the problem, he is like ‘babe, it’s not you it’s me; I’m just not emotionally attracted to you’ dosgbe oshi (why so saline? Ed), as if when you came to meet me I was emotionally attracted to you.

TheI-am-not-physically-attracted-to-you zone: Well, this is one of the most basic ones mostly orchestrated by meets through the social media (yes, I generalise – facebook is not that dead) and you guys click, you’re both attracted to your sapiosexual asses and you have sent hugs, kisses, hearts and got to remove yourself from the whole social media picture back to more intimate messaging portals like whatsapp or bbm; and you still click a lot. Fix a date and then it happens, you’re a great girl by all standards but he just can’t see pass the A-C cup breast and undersized bum. Out of your own excitement you don’t notice the look or the uncompleted sentences; you just think I’ve met HIM only to get the shock of your life when he cancels on your third date and gives a flimsy excuse by text and just refuses to pick your calls anymore; sends you a DM weeks later telling you he is not physically attracted to you and when you try DMing back, you realise he’s blocked you. Are you done crying or cursing?(awwww. A better guy will come along for sure. Ed)

    The yes-we’ve-broken-up-but-I-just-can’t-stand-you-dating-again (aka the I-am-a-total-asswipe. Ed) zone: God punish the guys that do this and open the eyes of the girls still locked on this zone. He realises he still wants you but just tired of you as the main or wants to have flings and he’s not man enough to tell you so he fabricates stories that you can’t even existed since the creation of the world so he can have you around still. Apparently your cookie is very important; it is not a very fulfilling experience I tell you.

The let’s-see-how-it-goes zone: another common one, a clear cut case of having his cake and eating it attributed only with the selfish guy that has a girlfriend but you happen to be the unicorn that he stumbled upon and he just magically fell in love with you overnight *shucks* does it suck? No, of course not, it is the best ever. So you play the fool, be the girl he loves while he tells you sweets things that are filled with no promises or obligations a.k.a sweet nothings. What a jerk! He is not oh, he just knows how to play the game better than you is all, it sucks to be you honey… (But this zone only sucks if you put your heart in knowing all the variables. Ed)

    The side-chic zone: alas! A common disease caught by many but dreaded by all females – you’re deceived by all his friends that call you ‘small wife’ and he even takes you home to meet his siblings because by some stroke of luck his real girlfriend is out on a voyage and there’s no foul play of any kind attached to the relationship till the day you realise you’ve played the second fiddle through the whole relationship – you find, you die a little, you kick, you scream, you get depressed and fat; contemplate suicide and eventually are back to your normal self. That’s life *shrugs* you move on.

(or you kill yourself. Side-chic-ness can be fatal. Ed)

My favourite of all time the deny-you zone: the best zone there is and ever was, no #naijagirlcode can help you out of this zone except God sends his angel to carry you out of it with the chariot of fire (*looks to heaven* forgive me Lord if I blaspheme (you’re going to hell darling. Ed)). A guy that has spent eons ‘chyking’ you and then succeeds in fulfilling one or more of his sexual fantasies on you – in the process he may or may not ask you to date him most times the former and you either say yes or no; all of a sudden, something goes awfully wrong with your not so defined relationship and then he denies you. Yes! Like blatantly ask you if ever asked you out or met you or if you ever know anyone associated with him and because you are too speechless to even reply him he goes on and on leaving you dazed beyond your years and clearly second guessing yourself at every level. Old girl, na so life be oh – the heart of man is desperately wicked and deceitful above all else, who can know it? Does that answer your ‘why’ question. (or he could be trying to save you from a fate far worse than being dumped, although it sure as hell won’t feel like it. Ed)

These are just few of the zones I’m conversant with and that’s because my humble self has been the lead actress in each of these very clearly defined zones (awwwww. Ed). Whoever said life is not a bed of roses clearly had me in mind when saying such, I can’t recount my horrors but I can thank Amadioha (yes, the god of thunder (aka Zeus or Jupiter or Thor, and actually a god of lightning since thunder’s just a sound, but I should shut up. Ed)) on this special occasion because I have called on him countless times to punish those boys for me but to what end? Sigh! God is still supreme my sister, Eledumare knows it all…

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