“I am not going to cry” I told myself then I realized for the umpteenth time that those words were easier said than adhere to.
I had done it again, given someone else a reason for my heart to be smashed, I do not understand this because all I have ever asked from God was a soul to love me genuinely with all my faults, you would wonder about my life at this point, I wonder myself too. I do not want pity because I probably deserve what I got, or maybe I didn’t (I don’t know).
This year I ask God for a birthday gift because I know my parents won’t give me one, they will only complain and I know my friends will forget too except by some grace they check the social networks and I know if those weren’t there no one would wish me that… I need someone to walk into my life and love me irrespective *looking up to heaven* God please because I am tired of the tears, the excuses about me being a great girl but not just meeting a particular standard.
I am not perfect but I try to live right daily, I try to follow God’s precept but most times I don’t understand my own losses.
My thoughts are incoherent this morning and all I can think of is Songs of Solomon 8:6b-7
“Love is stronger than death, it’s jealousy as enduring as the grave
Love flashes like fire, the brightest kind of flame
Many waters cannot quench love, nor can rivers drown it
If a man tried to buy love with all his wealth, his offer would be utterly scorned”
Most times I think the Bible can’t be wrong so why is my life wrong? Is this my cross? Have I somewhere along the line spilled someone else’s emotions and I get to suffer for it?
The only traces of my existence I can remember is people taking my light and snuffing it out into darkness. I can’t say I won’t live right, I can’t say I won’t forgive – I don’t even know what I have missed, I am just quiet within my own mind, distancing myself from the pain – do I even feel that? I guess I have grown accustomed to the hurt so I just cry it all out and pray to God that deliverance will come.
I cannot render myself useless, I can only carry the abstract; sometimes I wished I could be brutally beaten instead because the abstract tends to take over your mind than the physical, no pain hurts more than the one you feel from your mind and soul.
David said ’if it were my enemy that hurt me, I would understand but it is you my friend, the one I trusted from birth’ – at a point you get to understand that you feel the hurt from those closest to you more. I have learnt to accept it, I am trying to move on from it and seek solace in my Redeemer because He understands that my tears need to be kept in a bottle. I cry only because I feel rejected but it just makes me stronger. I am a lover with reason, a person of compassion and that makes me strong and it is that strength I will carry with me to the grave (when the time is right).
Real Beauty is skin deep and even though these words sound surreal, it illuminates the truth that we all seek…
Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear (Well, I guess it does!)